Anything Goes Against Tetsusaiga!
by SpeakandDie
Summary: Poor Akane Tendo. The worst traveling companions to have in the Feudal Era are the eternally lost boy, the rich guy with no skill, and the biggest pervert in the world. Unfortunately, they're all you've got. RANMAINUYASHA Crossover


**_'Anything Goes' Against Tetsusaiga!_**

_by Ushcabob and Mrs. TW_

* * *

**Chapter One:** **A Rag-Tag Bunch of Losers AND Akane Tendo**

by Ushcabob

Tatewaki Kuno, age 17, head honcho of the Furinkan High School Kendo Club and amazingly good-looking. Those would be the first few things that Kuno would use in order to describe his characteristics, and the others would include adjectives such as keen, sharp, intelligent, charming and clever. He would have to spend the rest of the hour just trying to name all of the compliments that could possibly match the esteem in which he held himself.

It was approximately 7:50 AM when the brown-haired youth emerged from his abode (or, rather, ridiculously large mansion complete with a fully landscaped Japanese garden enclosed by a full-scale wall) and stepped onto the porch. There he ran a hand through his beautiful (to him, anyway) locks of hair and took in a breath of fresh air. "Ahh...the smell of spring is sweet. But not even the roses, with their divine, heavenly smell can compete to Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed girl. To thrust my noses into their hair...!" Kuno gritted his teeth and clenched his fist, shaking in delight. "And another morning at Furinkan High School to be with both Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed girl. The day grows more perfect by the hour!"

A suspicious old merchant was making his way down the street that passed before the regal Kuno residence. He was carrying a meager-looking rucksack slung over his shoulder, tired yet determined at the same time. He was oddly familiar, however, and was reviewing a list of clients with which he had talked that afternoon. "I am doing well for a door-to-door salesman... As long as you know how to swindle the rich folk, heh, heh." He narrowed his eyes, which he set on the young kendo student standing in the garden. "Let's see if I have anything he would want. All things must go, as they say!"

The old man, supporting himself on a walking stick (because it motivated him to walk longer distances), approached Kuno. "Hello, young lad!" he called, walking through the front gates with no thought as to attack dogs. "How are you?"

"Fiend!" Kuno immediately drew his wooden bokken and charged. The old man, confused, sidestepped, allowing the hotheaded youth to crash into a section of the wall. "...Ugh! Curse you!"

"Well then, sonny. Would you be interested in a few items?"

"I have no interest in what a wretched cur of the street might be peddling within his sleeves," remarked Kuno arrogantly as he stood, brushing the dirt from his hakama pants and then wiping some blood from his nose.

"Well...I have a few things that might interest a young man like yourself. Let's see..." With that said, the street merchant dropped the bag and scavenged through it, looking for possible items to sell Kuno. "You seem like the martial arts student, so--I mean, an array of colored belts, to trick the ladies into thinking that you're an automatic black-belt---"

"Martial arts are for pathetic wimps who cannot stand up to bushido, the warrior's way!" Kuno replied with a sneer, forgetting that first period started in less than ten minutes. "Such as that Ranma Saotome character... Yes. Though it seems like he bests me, it is because he always finds me when I am in my least "best" form! But I am chivalrous. A good sport. I only make it seem like he wins."

"So...not a karate expert. I see, I see... Then how about..." Mentally, the old man noted that he was running out of items to sell his clients. What would a boy of seventeen possibly want? And then... The merchant drew out a glass box enshrining a pair of beautiful lace underwear--for women, of course. It was sealed perfectly and seemed like the perfect Valentine's Day gift for a certain kind of woman. "Then how about this...?"

"Th-this!" Kuno stuttered, backing away. "How dare you profane the great Kuno's name with such a lowlife showing of a female's unmentionables!"

"Calm down, young man!" muttered the irritated vendor, who was afraid that coming to the Kuno Residence may have been a bad decision. Still, the man kept the box extended on the palm of his right hand. "Is it not good quality? Hmm?"

"Good quality...well..." Kuno secretly glanced from side to side, seeing no person in sight except for the street merchant before him. With utmost care he stepped forward and rested the pads of his fingers against the nearly transparent glass and peered at it with a look of hesitation. He had to admit that, although he occasionally dreamed of the kind that Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Girl wore, he was not an expert on that particular feminine clothing article. "It seems to be so, and yet..."

The old man was happy that the Furinkan High student was not entirely uninterested. "I do not often store ladies' undergarments, so I assure you that the one I would carry is of magnificent quality. Look at the sheer fabric of which it is composed--and the adorable embroidery! I hope you understand that I cannot take it from its case, as it is not only white and might stain but carries with it magical properties..."

"Magical properties, you say? Speak more, peon! Perhaps you are not wasting my valuable time after all!" Kuno replied, eyeing the white panties with a lustful look.

….

_A petite girl of sixteen stood a few feet from Kuno, her head lowered shyly as she peered at him with her bright colored eyes. She twiddled her thumbs cutely, chuckling out of sheer embarrassment. With a happy cry, she then ran forward and threw her arms around Kuno, who had to lean down to see her eye-to-eye._

_  
"Oh, Kuno!" whispered the pigtailed girl seductively, "Let me try it on. Will you, please?" _

"_Oh, pigtailed girl!" cried Kuno as he leaned closer to her, seeing her cheeks flushing brightly. "You want to try on these panties? Oh, it would be too great an honor to bestow upon me!"_

"_My dear Kuno, I would be happy only knowing that you thought me beautiful in them. But where will I change…?" The pink-haired girl drew away from him briefly, looking off to the side sadly. _

_Kuno held out the embroidered white underwear in his right hand and took up the cute girl's own right in his left. "Worry not, my love! I will be patient. Try them on for me here!" _

"Kuno! That would be all right with you…?"

"_Yes, Pigtailed girl!" _

"_Oh, Kuno! You're so naughty!" Without much more discussion, Kuno watched as the slender martial artist began to unbutton her shirt to reveal a well-defined—_

….

Tatewaki Kuno had been daydreaming while a diabolical look had settled on his features. The tradesman was slightly concerned about the lack of thought in the youth's head but decided to capitalize on the situation. The old man scratched his grey hair and cleared his throat before continuing.

"This fabulous lingerie is actually antique, believe it or not. One of its amazing properties is that it does not fade with time. In addition, it is exceedingly durable and machine-washable. But as I was saying, it's also imbued with magic." He gestured to Kuno to bring his ear closer and then whispered in a ghostly tone of voice. "—They say it has the power to unite a man and a woman together."

"A…a man and a woman…together!" Kuno exclaimed, a mad grin plastered on his face. "You mean that Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Girl and I could be joined together as one?"

_Bingo. _Rich men did not lack money, but they seemed to have a harder time finding love than most commoners do. The trader laughed inwardly to himself, overjoyed to have found Tatewaki Kuno's "weak spot".

"Yes," continued the old merchant innocently, "a man and a woman. You see that I have not touched it because it is in a glass box. See, that's the thing about this lingerie. When a man touched this symbol of purity and innocence and then presents it to a virgin maiden, who also touches it and proceeds to wear it, they will be romantically intertwined from then until eternity…"

"From then until eternity?" gasped Kuno, eyes widening as if having been shocked.

…

"_Kuno, honey?" The girl of pink pigtails chuckled delightfully as she stood with her back to Kuno, wearing nothing but the pure white panties. "Don't you like them? Oh…but…" She shivered and crossed her arms, turning to face the 17-year-old bashfully. "It is almost too cold here, Kuno…" _

"Pigtailed Girl!" declared Kuno, who rushed forward to her and pulled her against his chest. "I shall undo my shirt so that you may share with me some warmth!"

"Oh, my darling Kuno… You would do that!" she whispered harshly, smiling and touched by his offer.

"_KUNO!" _

_  
"Huh? Akane Tendo!" Kuno turned around to see the opposing dark-haired girl and immediately grew tense. "You came to visit me as well!" _

"Why didn't you buy underwear for the both of us, Kuno my love?"

"Uh…Akane…well…! You see, there is only one pair, and--"

"_That is all right, Kuno sweetie. I will let Akane try them on as well…right now!"_

…

Kuno was turning bright red at the perverse thoughts swimming around in his empty head when the tradesman tapped his shoulder and returned him to reality. "Here's the rub though, sonny," he said, holding the glass box containing the lingerie against Kuno's chest so that he had no choice but to hold and acknowledge it. "It's gonna cost you, but I promise you a good deal."

"B-buy it!" asked Kuno. "Yes, of course! To consummate my love for Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Girl, I will pay anything!" Despite the fact it was almost time for school to start—five minutes until the first bell—Kuno did not seem to care. He was too preoccupied with thinking of his future brides.

"My starting price is 100,000 yen."

"100,000 yen!" Kuno stood rooted to the spot before digging into his pockets to pull out one 10,000-yen note. The only other insignificant item he carried with him was a comb in case he had to quickly "brush up" before asking to date with another girl—namely Akane but also the Pigtailed Girl if he happened to see her. "Methinks I have only half of the price here in my hand…"

The tradesman looked down at the pathetic bill and then, shrugging, snatched it with his free hand and sniffed it. "Ah, fresh and crisp! This is not even close to the price, but I am feeling generous and will part with these panties for an astonishing bargain of 10,000 yen!"

To be sincere, 10,000 yen could have bought several pairs of mildly expensive and fine quality panties, but Kuno had no experience whatsoever in such a field. For that reason, the amateur swordsman clutched the box with a red face against his chest. "To be with them from now until eternity…" he whispered.

"Well, I'll be goin' now. See ya!" Whistling and thrusting the 10,000-yen note into his pocket, the old man slung his rucksack over his shoulder and left the Kuno Residence with more money than before and yet another rich man suckered.

"Akane Tendo! Pigtailed Girl!" cried Kuno gleefully, holding the glass case protectively in the folds of his shirt. "At last you will date with me! It seems that destiny has called me forward!" With only three minutes left until first period, Tatewaki Kuno rushed forward from the gates of his house and ran the entire way to Furinkan High School.

Five minutes before eight o'clock showed no sign of Ranma Saotome approaching from the direction of the Tendo Dojo, and Akane herself was standing impatiently at the front of the school with her hands perched against her waist. A light breeze ruffled her short, dark "tomboyish" hair, which was already partially unkempt as she had been waiting outside for the past ten minutes. Her foot began to impatiently tap against the ground.

"That Ranma…" she muttered through a sigh. "He may be a martial artist for a living, but school is important too. I hate it when he shows up late…" She paused, mulling her recent words about in her head. Then she balled up her fist and called out to no one in particular. "Fine, Ranma! Go ahead and be late! I don't care if you even stay home! Hmph!"

Noticing that she was attracting the attention of a few surrounding classmates, Akane blushed furiously and, balling her fists, marched towards the entrance to Furinkan High School where no one was waiting. There was no sign of Ranma Saotome, and the minute hand had lessened by one entire unit. Akane made a mental note that she would only wait for two more minutes before she went to class; she would not dare being late just to wait for some perverted fiancé.

"I could have sworn that I was just in Sapporo, according to that woman with whom I spoke a few hours ago. So… Where am I _now_…?" said a lighter, gentler boy's voice.

Akane Tendo blinked and poked her head outside the gate to Furinkan High School, seeing a teenage boy with black hair tied back by a printed yellow bandanna. He was holding his massive red umbrella limply in his right hand while he stared, bewildered, at a patch of flowering cherry trees planted for decoration. Although rather upset by thinking about Ranma, Akane's serious expression died into one of kindness.

"Hello, Ryoga!" she greeted the boy jubilantly.

"A-A-Ak…Akane!" Ryoga whirled around, face flushing madly. "I…I…Ah, hah, hah-hahahaha! I-it's nice to see you too, Akane!" he replied, trailing off and feeling rather hot on his face. _/Akane…she looks so pretty in her school uniform. That is—err—if she is in her school uniform, then…/_ The boy hung his head, too shy to look the girl in the face and rather troubled by the epiphany that he had returned to Tokyo.

"Well, Ryoga--Kasumi told me that you departed on a training journey to the mountains yesterday morning after you ate breakfast." Akane beamed brightly and adjusted her school "briefcase" in her hands. She had been carrying it for a long time now that it was getting somewhat tiring to continue doing so. "Did you change your mind and come back?"

"Ah…Ah…" /_It's Akane. Akane is talking to me, and I am not P-Chan for once! And neither is Ranma here to ruin everything!_/ He swallowed, his mouth forming a vowel but straining to voice it. Then he blushed hotly and looked away. "Ah, hahahaha…" /_Why can't I ever say anything/ _"S-so, what are you doing here?"

Akane Tendo blinked before she laughed and shrugged. "I'm just going to school, like I do every week. But you know that already, right Ryoga?"

"Oh…yeah. Uh-huh." Ryoga and Akane laughed together in unison, but the boy's laugh was far more awkward. "So…uhm…"

"Ryoga, you should consider taking some entrance exams again. I know that the last time you tried, you didn't do so well—but…"

"Thanks, Akane…" /_Akane is trying to help me out. She is so kind…unlike that conceited fiancé of hers, Ranma! Grr…/_ "But I can't stop training until I defeat—Umf!" Ryoga's eyes suddenly went blurry as the boy felt a rather large impact colliding against his face, sending him sprawling backwards onto the ground. He struggled to open his eyes, only able to make out the faint outline of a pigtailed character…

"Whoa! Sorry, man. I didn't see ya."

"R-ranma!" Akane exclaimed, astonished and a little infuriated. She did not waste any time in smacking her fiancé-to-be with her heavy school bag, which knocked him off balance. "Not only did you hit Ryoga, but you're practically late to school—again!"

"Nah, we still got time. Come on, Akane! Forty-five seconds, if my mental clock isn't off!" With a determined grin, the pigtailed boy snatched Akane's nearest wrist and forcibly pulled her towards Furinkan High School, leaving a dazed Ryoga by himself on the concrete outside the institution.

"Ranma, you jerk! I'll pay you back for that!" cried the boy with the bandanna, shaking his fist angrily to accentuate his point (although his loving rival probably wasn't able to hear this). He staggered to his feet and then stood at the gates of Furinkan High School, which soon closed him off when the bell rang not long thereafter. He looked wistfully at the second-story windows, clear against the sunlight ahead but impossible to see through by someone at his level.

Ryoga Hibiki sighed and looked about helplessly. He often could run for days on end without finding his desired location, but now he was exhausted. Covered in nicks and bruises from jogging haphazardly through forests caused him to ache. He leaned against the wall into Furinkan High School and slid downwards until his knees rose above his head. "Oh, Akane…" he whispered as he closed his eyes. "If only I could tell you how I truly feel one of these days—and tell you as a man, not as P-Chan." He sighed once more and closed his eyes. "If a girl as special as Akane waited for me every day, I would go to her arms as quickly as possible… Why does Ranma abuse such a privilege, and why does Akane still take it from him? Damn you, Ranma!"

Ranma and Akane had scarcely entered the door by the time the bell rang to start homeroom. Even though the first class was scheduled to begin shortly after the teacher was to take roll, not one student was seated in his or her desk. Ranma Saotome blew out a breath of relief considering that the last thing he needed was another one-hour detention. After all, skipping so many detentions was bound to add up to something that wasn't particularly nice.

Akane took an empty desk off to the left towards the front of the room, opposite the part that Tatewaki Kuno, a proud 4th-year "senpai" (Ranma always wondered how such a blockhead could become a senior), often staked out. She turned an evil eye to the man she shivered to think would someday become her husband. "Guys don't take as long as girls to get ready for school, Ranma… Dad and Kasumi constantly remind me that you're my responsibility. If you get any more demerits—"

The black-haired martial artist strolled over towards Akane and occupied the desk by her side. "Hey, pipe down, will ya?" Ranma leaned back in his chair and kicked his feet up upon the desktop. "I got here, didn't I?"

"Ranma, that's not the point!" Akane protested. "Well, nevermind that. Just don't come crying to me if you are not allowed to graduation from all your tardiness."

"Well, I won't, 'cause even though I hate school, I'm not dumber than Kuno. If he can graduate, then I question how good a school system Japan could possibly have…" Ranma pretended to be looking at his nails.

Akane lowered her voice and leaned inwards so that none of Tatewaki Kuno's lackeys might hear her—though she was more worried that Kuno would get excited if he heard that she had been talking about him at all. "His father is the principal. They don't have the greatest relationship, so I wouldn't know for sure, but… Any father would have the heart to change his son's failing grades, right?"

"I dunno, Akane. I know rich people are allowed to do illegal things all the time, but… If his dad does hate him—heck—knowing Kuno, I think leaving Furinkan High would be the worst thing that ever happened to him."

Akane Tendo smiled for the first time since talking to Ranma and chuckled lightly. "That's true. I will make sure not to go to the same juku cramming school or college that he will be attending—if he doesn't just do nothing and live at home, that is."

"I sure will miss the 'Blue Thunder of Furinkan High' after this year, Akane. Things might actually be a little less stressful with only one pervert to worry about. Unless you count Pops, 'cause that'd be two." Ranma folded his arms behind his head and stared at the teacher, who was getting his things in order at his desk in the front. Another long, horrifying day of school was getting ready to commence. /_But if Kuno fails… It'll be 'Pigtailed Girl! I love you!' for another year./ _Ranma was overtaken by a look of disgust. _/Not if I can help it, though. Doing his homework in exchange for not being accosted by him in my girl form…that might actually be worth it./_

A stocky professor stood up in the front of the classroom. "All right, class, settle down—settle down, now." He gathered up a few papers and tapped them on his table so that they would straighten out. "When I call your names, just wave your hands or…not. I think I know all of you by now. Let's see…" He looked up, straightened his glasses, and did some mental math. "Hmm… It seems there's one missing."

Akane blinked and stole a glance behind her, not noticing anything different from the norm. "Who's missing…?"

"Kuno Tatewaki… I guess he's cutting today. All right, let me mark him down here…"

The classroom door opened abruptly and slammed into the wall shortly thereafter, startling every Furinkan High student. "Wait right there, sir!" cried Kuno aloud, his bokken in his right hand. "The greatest swordsman of Furinkan High has made himself be known!"

Whispers floated somewhere in the back of the room while the rest of Kuno's classmates were rather silent. The tired-looking teacher merely adjusted his glasses and refrained from marking down the boy's name with his red ink pen and straightened up, resting his opposite hand in his trouser pocket. "Did you check in, Kuno?"

Tatewaki Kuno coolly closed his eyes and flashed his classmates a smile before running a hand through his rather average-looking hair, which had been styled meticulously albeit the fact that Kuno had no experience in hair-styling. "That I did, my friend. It may be rather surprising why such an enlightened Renaissance man such as myself may even think of being late to school, but I assure you that I experienced a life-changing event."

"If only you would realize that coming to school will also drastically affect the course of your life, I am sure you would be pressed to be more punctual… Do you have a note?"

"Mind your mouth, man! The only thing that comes before loyalty and dedication to Furinkan High is love!"

"So, you do not have any valid written excuse…"

Kuno turned to the class and focused on Akane Tendo sitting not so far away, and she immediately tensed at meeting Kuno's gaze. "Ah, Akane Tendo…!" He pointed at her. "Speaking of love, I have something to discuss with you after class!"

"Kuno, you may speak with whomever you like, but only after the bell rings. All right?" It seems that the professor had rather lost his will to fight when dealing with the son of the principal. After all, Kuno was too busy "chasing the elusive mayfly of love", as one man in history had once put it.

"Hmph. Tatewaki Kuno listens to no man, yet he knows polite etiquette. Therefore, he sits!" He began to make his way down the aisles of the classroom toward his seat in the back, yet the bell rang almost immediately. Kuno suddenly found himself trodden upon by many different feet.

"C'mon, Akane. Let's get out of here before Kuno has the chance," Ranma said, standing and approaching the door with his hands dug into both of his pockets.

"Right. I'd rather not deal with him myself," Akane agreed, picking up her school bag and following Ranma Saotome. She was not surprised by Kuno's behavior and doubted she could stop him from claiming that they were dating, so she chose to ignore him most of the time.

Akane Tendo and Ranma Saotome began walking through one of the corridors towards their next class. "Say, Akane, did we have any homework?" he asked casually.

"Did we have any homework…?" Akane repeated innocently. "Gee, let me see, Ranma…for history, we had to do that history outline last night and then two hours of math. Then we have that project due not long from now. Why do you ask?"

Ranma made a face of disgust. "Aw, man. I guess I gotta do the projects, or I'll fail by not doin' all the homework… Maybe I can get someone to do it for me…"

"Well, don't look at me, Ranma! I'm not doing twice the amount of work I'm doing already!" the girl protested. "Nabiki would only consider that if she needed your help on something illegal, and Kasumi is too busy doing house work, so…"

"I was thinking more like Ryoga. He's probably illiterate, but as long as I can read it, I'll be fine."

"You're thinking of making Ryoga do your work for you, Ranma! How can you even think that way! Well, fine then!" Akane laughed and held her head high. "I will make sure that he does not have time to do anything. Maybe he and I can teach P-Chan some new tricks."

Ranma rolled his eyes. "I doubt you'd be successful teaching that little runt anything."

"What'd you say, Ranma! Are you making fun of P-Chan AGAIN!"

"Hey, Akane! Ah! Calm down! All that over a stupid little pig!" Ranma ducked, missing one of her wilder swings from her school bag. "Geez, why do you even care about one little animal anyway?"

Akane stopped and lowered her head sadly. "I just haven't seen P-Chan for the last two days… Sometimes he goes away for a while, but where does he go to? I give him a bed to sleep on—I feed him—and yet…"

"Ahh, don't worry about P-Chan, Akane." _/Damnit, Ryoga, I can't believe she misses you that much. Why do you have to sleep on Akane's bed anyway/_ "I have the feeling that P-Chan will be back anytime now. You know… I have the feeling he really likes Ryoga a lot too."

"P-Chan likes Ryoga…?"

"Yeah, and since Ryoga left, I think P-Chan followed him."

"Oh…so if P-Chan is with Ryoga, then…"

"Then you got nothin' to worry about, Akane."

"AKANE TENDO!"

"—except for Kuno, of course."

"OH, AKANE TENDO!" Kuno had a visible footprint of mud on his face, but that fact did not deter him from his mission of love. Akane and Ranma had no choice but to turn to face him. "That tear rolling down your cheek…! You were saddened that this miserable knave stole you away from my loving, affectionate embrace! Oh, Akane Tendo…!" Apparently, to Kuno, speaking Akane's name so passionately was as pleasurable as eating delicious chocolate; he seemed to do it so often.

_/Doesn't this guy ever quit? She was shedding a tear for her lost pet pig, not… you, Kuno./_ Ranma raised his eyebrow. "Yo, Kuno. You do realize she's with me, right?"

"To speak to one so much lower than I would taint the proud name of Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. Alas, Ranma…" Kuno narrowed his eyes and pointed the edge of the wooden sword at the pigtailed boy. "One day I shall feel in the mood to challenge you for possession of the Pigtailed Girl!"

"Sure, anytime. Unfortunately, I might beat her up if you attempt to attack me. I mean, my servant girl can't possibly be inciting rebellion against me. That's treason..."

"Ohh! Pigtailed Girl!" Kuno sobbed. "Such a cruel fate life has bestowed upon thee! …Yet…" He laughed triumphantly. "Ranma, there will be one day come in which you shall be made helpless before me and your body obliterated by my superior skill and good looks! And then shall the Pigtailed Girl be rightfully mine!"

_/We might be late for class at this rate—if Ranma keeps encouraging him to say these things over and over again./ _Akane took in a minor breath before stepping forward and holding an arm before Ranma so as to separate the two men. "Kuno, you wanted to talk to me? So, talk."

"Oh, Akane Tendo…!" Kuno threw his arms around the female martial artist and squeezed her against his chest. "You really _do_ love me!"

Akane punched Kuno in the jaw in order to get him to release his grasp upon her, and the method approved very efficient. Not only did Kuno let go, but he was also repelled several feet. "Was there anything else really important to say to me? Otherwise, you will have to proclaim your love for me later, I'm afraid."

"Oh, yes… Yes." Kuno swallowed the lump in his throat and reached into the folds of his shirt. _/Yes… It is clasped firmly within the palms of my hand. There is nothing left now but to…/_ "I present you with a gift! Yes, the honorable Kuno humbly bequeaths upon you, Akane Tendo, a material embodiment of my vast affection for you!"

_/What? A gift/_ Akane had to admit that she was rather curious as to what present he had in store for her, but through all the last times that Kuno promised her a gift, he had given her some sort of memorabilia of himself. She could clearly remember the time he left a talking robot head that was a cheaper replica of his own head that claimed his love for Akane, and other times he had given her an amazing Kuno plush doll or figurine.

Kuno withdrew the snow-white lingerie from his shirt and held the dainty woven cloth open in the palm of his hand in front of Akane. "For you, my dear Akane Tendo, with all my heart," he said delicately and smoothly as though he were handling a small kitten. "This article of clothing represents our strong bond of love, Akane Tendo."

Ranma's eyes flared up and, feeling the rage slowly begin to bubble within his veins, merely stared at Kuno and then at Akane. He accepted that Kuno had a rather dirty mind, but going so far as to try and give Akane ladies' underwear in the middle of Furinkan High? "Uh…Akane?"

Akane's fingers had balled up, and her fist was shaking uncontrollably. She began to breathe heavily, her shoulders heaving strongly. "Kuno… How… DARE YOU!" she shrieked, the glass of the windows nearby probably awakening from a long slumber of not having vibrated from any specific frequency. Ranma shrank back, terrified at Akane's new level of anger that he had not quite seen before.

"I'll be taking that, thank you!" Before Kuno or Akane had time to react to the situation, a small wrinkly man had leapt into the air an amazing height, snatching the magical panties and jumping onto the sill of an open window. "Whee! What a catch!"

"H-Happosai!" Ranma rolled up his sleeves and grumbled. "What are you doing here, you dirty old man? You're supposed to be home at the Dojo!"

"How dare you snatch my gift to Akane Tendo, you perfidious pest! For that I will punish you with mine own blade! Aaaahhhh---" He ran forward and swung his wooden sword haphazardly at Happosai, but the only thing he managed to do was fall out of the second-story window and into the pool below. The crinkled old man, wearing the most jovial smile, waved the panties tauntingly at the big ripple of water below.

"Heh, heh, heh! You'll have to do better than that if you want to take it back!" He jumped backwards onto Ranma's head, who had been trying to snatch him from behind. "Whooo! The fish here are scarce! Hey, Ranma, you mind trying this on!"

Ranma grabbed for his head to try and capture Happosai but was largely unsuccessful in his venture. He would easily hop over the teenage boy's arms if they intervened. "Get off my head, you dirty old pervert!"

"C'mon, Ranma! Don't be stingy! There's some cold water just down there!"

"I said---aaaaaaagggggggh!"

"Ranma!" Akane watched as Happosai tripped Ranma into falling out of the open window into the pool where Kuno was still halfway submerged. "Happosai…!" she said in a scolding voice. "Give me that underwear back!"

"Oh, but I thought you didn't want it… Maybe one of the girls in the locker rooms will! Heee!" Happosai leapt from the window, landed on Kuno's head, and then transferred to the school grounds where he ran, holding the panties high in his hand so that Ranma and Kuno could both see it. "C'mon girls! Whee!"

Akane took in a deep breath. _/I am not retrieving it for Kuno's benefit—only for the benefit of keeping Happosai away from the locker rooms. Yes, that's right. Remember that, Akane, and you'll be fine… Count to ten while you're at it./_ And so she ran to find the quickest route to Happosai's destination.

Coughing and sputtering, a smaller, thinner Ranma with bright neon hair broke through the surface of the pool. After the first initial blinks, he regained his bearings and then looked about, seeing nothing at first. Female-type Ranma grumbled at Happosai's trickery, wishing that she had not been so careless as to fall out of a window. Before the pigtailed girl had a chance to swim towards land, however, a long shadow fell over her, blocking out all light from the sun.

"Huh…?" The teenage girl looked to the source of the shadow and saw the dripping form of Tatewaki Kuno, his eyes trained on her in madness. The fact that Ranma was a female now fully hit him, forcing him to realize that he was not safe from Kuno's advances. "Oh. Er, heheh, Kuno… I'll just, uhm, be going now—"

"Pigtailed Girl!" Kuno called out to her, his clothes sopping wet and pouring water every time they were moved. "Did you jump in afterwards to save me, Pigtailed Girl? Oh, that my own love returns my affection for her twofold, risking her own life!"

Girl-type Ranma turned the opposite way in the pool and headed for the edge so that she could put as much distance between herself and Kuno as possible. _/Ah man, I have to go find some hot water ASAP. Maybe Akane went to get some for me already. I sure hope so. I just can't stand Kuno/_

"No, Pigtailed Girl!" yelled Kuno worriedly. "The fall has made her delirious. She does not know where she is swimming!" /_Although that special undergarment was stolen, it is worth nothing if I lose the Pigtailed Girl/_ "Do not worry, my love! I shall save you!" And with no further warning, Kuno ran along the edge of the pool so that he drew closer to Ranma and then leapt into the water.

Ranma shrieked as she felt two monstrous arms (monstrous in comparison to her waist) hook around her middle and drag her halfway underwater. She kicked and flailed her arms wildly, making vast makeshift waves in all directions. "Aaaaaaahhhhhhh! Help, Akane! Help me! LET ME GO, you PERVERT!"

Meanwhile, Akane Tendo arrived, jogging up to the edge of the water and looking at the female Ranma and the unrelenting Kuno in irritation. "Well there, _Ranko_, what are you doing wasting time like that!"

"Oh, Akane! You're just in time!" she squeaked helplessly. "Help me out, will ya!"

"Help _you_ out…?"

"Oh, Akane Tendo! Were you too worried about my well-being!" Kuno's eyes glazed over when they saw her standing at the edge in her light blue school uniform.

"As if." Akane looked around, seeing no sign of Happosai. "Look, Ranma, I'm going after Happosai. Catch up to me later!" With nothing more for her to say, she darted off towards the ladies' locker rooms near the gymnasium.

Ranma herself felt rather perturbed by having been "betrayed" by Akane. "That's rather un-cute of you! HEY! Don't just leave me behind like this! AKANE, YOU TOMBOY!"

"Do not worry, Pigtailed Girl!" Kuno told her consolingly as he held the female Ranma against his body and proceeded to swim toward the cement enclosing the water. "I, the valiant Kuno, have you held safely in my arms!"

The pink-haired Ranma looked down at the "exceedingly manly" arm Kuno had slung right across his chest. There was no mistake that his fingers were holding onto his left breast, which was a rather odd feeling for Ranma to experience in the first place but definitely not any more polite than if Kuno had done so to a real girl. "Kuno, you blockhead!" With a swift wave of the hand, girl-type Ranma whacked Kuno's face with his knuckles, sending him flying off into another patch of the pool. _/Ugh, now to get to Happosai/_ Ranma climbed out of the pool and, although quite wet, assumed that he would dry off in time; after all, he was not sticking around for Kuno to emerge.

Ryoga had left Furinkan High School, walking aimlessly yet again with no real destination in mind. _/Oh, Akane… No matter how depressed I feel, no matter how much life has me down… Just seeing your smiling face makes me…makes me…/ _A red tinge spread gradually across his cheeks, and he sighed. _/I need to stop thinking about Akane. After all…Ranma won't leave the picture anytime soon. As long as Ranma's there, I'm always going to be second. Who's the better martial artist? …Well, I don't know if his techniques are necessarily better than mine, but I just can't beat him by myself. And lastly, who's better when it comes to love/ _Ryoga sighed in defeat and kneaded his forehead with his knuckles. _/All the girls like you, Ranma…even Akane. I could care less about the others, but Akane…/ _

The boy with no sense of direction stopped when he heard a girl's voice snapping loudly in anger. "Happosai, you PERVERT! Give that back right now!"

"A-Akane?" Ryoga stared dumbly and then, looking off to his left and right, noticed not only the cherry trees outside the high school but also the gates of Furinkan High. _/What! I walked in a circle? But I only took left turns so I wouldn't get lost! No…nevermind that now./ _He crept over and looked through the metal bars, seeing Happosai—holding a pair of pure white panties in his arms—and Akane following him hot in pursuit.

"What a haul! What a haul! Heh, heh, heh!" Happosai ran his cheek against the underwear. "They may have been yours for a while, Akane, but they're mine now! Oh, look—there's a cutie now!"

A regular female student with dark black hair was leaving the building when Happosai assaulted her, and he immediately created a wind current to lift her skirt above her hips. She screamed in horror as she tried to get away from the wrinkled old man. Happosai had also leapt upon her and was trying to feel her bosom, but Akane reached out to grab him away. He was too quick, however, and skirted away instantly.

_/H-Happosai… He stole Akane's underwear/ _Ryoga's eyes were lit with an undying flame. _/Unforgivable! How dare he insult and embarrass her that way/_ "AKANE! I'M COMING!" he declared courageously. He drilled his fist into the gate, splitting it into thousands of tiny pieces. He had not thought about jumping over it and was ready to channel all of his anger into clobbering Happosai with as powerful a destructive force he could muster.

_/Huh. Ryoga, eh? So many involved. Okay, let's see how they can handle this/_ Happosai changed his direction and bolted off with a speed that not even Ryoga, who was the closest person to a long-distance runner at the Tendo Dojo, could match right away.

Akane glanced over her shoulder and beamed. "Ryoga! Are you going to help me catch him since Ranma is a bit tied up with Kuno?"

Ryoga peered over at her but had to instantly look away; meeting her gaze made his heart jump to the point that he lost almost all of his focus. "Y-Yeah, s-sure, Akane!" Then he narrowed his eyes and bared his canines, which, by a stroke of luck in the genetic pool, had ended up being rather sharp on Ryoga.

The duo came upon the girls' changing rooms, a separate facility from the rest of the school. It sounded like pandemonium was erupting from inside the building. "He's inside!" Akane said harshly. "Quickly now! Follow me, Ryoga!"

"B-But…I can't go in there… I mean…"

"You can if you stay out in the hallway! Come on!" Akane grabbed him by the wrist and yanked the boy after him, similar to the way Ranma had done with her that very morning.

Meanwhile, girl-type Ranma was hiding out behind a bush near the ladies' locker room. He was not only reconnoitering to find out Happosai's current location (which he surmised to be the locker room) but also hiding out from Kuno, who was searching tirelessly for her. _/That dirty old man just doesn't listen! He hadn't come for the last week or two, but I guess he couldn't hold it any longer./_

"Oh, Pigtailed Girl! Akane Tendo! Where have you gone, my loves!" wailed a nearby Kuno who was searching for his two "girlfriends".

_/Oh man./_ Ranma checked his hideout to make sure that he was safe from Kuno's view before poking his head through the bush to check on the status from the locker room. _/I guess I'd better strike now while the iron's hot—wait—huh? Akane and—Ryoga? What's he still doing here/_ Ranma grumbled and, rolling up his sleeves, adjusted himself on his haunches. _/Hmm… If they're going in from that side, I'll attack from the other/_

... 

Akane threw open the door and saw exactly what she had heard: pandemonium. Happosai had managed to gather up a small green bag of bras and panties, which he was carrying on his back. The girls inside, many of whom were half-naked, were clutching shirts and towels against themselves and throwing anything nearby at Happosai with their one free hand.

"Whee! Hey there, babyyyy!"

"Happosai! Hand over the underwear!" Akane demanded, pointing at them.

"Oh, Akane! Look, I still have yours!" The old man held up the embroidered panties and laughed cheerfully. "They're the best of all!"

"Give the underwear back! Not just the lingerie you stole from me, but the lingerie you stole from all the girls!"

"No can do, Akane!"

Ryoga's face was sweltering red as he waited patiently outside the open door to the ladies' locker room_. /If Happosai currently is holding Akane's pair, then Akane must not…/_ His eyes widened and he shook his head. _/What am I thinking! Am I turning into a pervert too! NO! I am nothing like Ranma/_

Happosai ran between Akane's legs, blowing up her skirt and bolting out the door with his stash of female unmentionables. Ryoga blinked when he felt Happosai hop upon his head and then run off. "HEY! Akane, he's—" However, when the group of teenage girls emerged from the locker room, they saw one of the bras that Happosai had stolen strewn on the top of his head.

"That pervert has an accomplice—GET HIM!"

Ryoga, eyes lighting up in fear, bolted in the same direction as Happosai, the bra still on his head. _/Ahh! It's not fault! I wasn't doing anything/_

Happosai had managed to find a nice grassy spot on the side of Furinkan High School, and he set down his bundle of women's undergarments. He held Kuno's gift to Akane in his hands and then rubbed his cheek against it. "Wow, what amazing fabric! I like you best of all! I wonder if you have a matching counterpart…"

"Hey there, freak."

Happosai blinked and turned around before bursting into a grin. "Ah, Ranma! Did you come to help me?"

"Help you! Why would you even THINK that, you utter pervert!" Ranma crossed his arms against his voluminous chest and glared at the old man. "Return 'em this instant, or it's gonna get ugly."

"You're right. It is going to get ugly. If you want to fight, then I have no choice…"

"About time you come to your senses, freak!" Girl-type Ranma threw her pink pigtail behind her and took up a defense martial-arts stance. She grinned, confident in her abilities. "I'll thwap ya hard, gramps! No holding back!"

"Tsk, tsk, Ranma. Well, you asked for it." Happosai practically vanished from sight, along with his newfound collection of lingerie, just as there was a whirring sound erupting from the bushes nearby.

"What? Where'd he…" Ranma had little chance to react when he saw a flashing red object cut through the shrubbery, headed straight for him. "What the---UFF!" Ryoga's ruby-red umbrella had whirled straight into his face. Due to its massive weight, the momentum with which it hit was not a small amount by any means. Ranma's eyes rolled backward into his head as he fell onto his back, dazed and twitching.

Ryoga jumped over the bush in time to catch the umbrella, which had ricocheted off the wall and returned to his grip like a boomerang. He seemed rather disappointed to find out that he had only hit female Ranma and then looked all around. "Damn you, Happosai! Where did you take Akane's panties!" Unable to see the old man, he turned and headed back out into the open, hoping to catch a glimpse of him.

Happosai was running away with his bundle of bras and panties just as he was stopped by none other than… "TATEWAKI KUNO, AGE 17! THE BLUE THUNDER OF FURINKAN HIGH! IT IS I!" Kuno announced as he drew back into a defensive stance with his wooden sword. "That antique was that which I purchased strictly with the intent of presenting it to my two future brides, Akane Tendo and the Pigtailed Girl! So, hand it over, ruffian--lest you wish to be skewered!"

"Ah, can it." Happosai walked up to Kuno and did a somersault, kicking the bokken straight into Kuno's face and leaving a bruise there. "Heheh, I guess that takes care of all of the—Huh!"

Akane snatched the underwear from Happosai's grasp just then. "Takes care of what, may I ask?"

"But…but… Akane!" Happosai's bulging eyes filled up with tears, and he jumped up weakly to try and get them back from her. He sniffled. "You give those back!"

"No!" Akane said harshly. "This has gone on long enough. Every time you come here, I've gotta come and chase you down. We're supposed to be well into our next class by now, and I haven't even shown up yet."

"Oh, no fair!" sobbed the small, wrinkled old man. He sniffed and hung his head, tapping his index fingers together crossly. "How can you do that to a poor, harmless old man?"

"OH, AKANE TENDO!" Kuno put his arms around the young martial artist and laid his head upon her shoulder. "You recognize it to be an important symbol of our love! How flattered I am by your generosity! I am not worthy of you, Akane Tendo!"

"Hey! Get off of Akane!" Ryoga demanded as he joined in the fray, jogging up and pointing his red umbrella at Tatewaki Kuno. "Don't touch her!"

"Hehehe, time to make a break for it!" Happosai jumped up to snatch the panties from Akane, but even as he did, she held on. It seemed that both were having a wrestling match just trying to pry it out of each other's hands. "Let go, Akane!"

"Don't put your filthy hands on Akane's underwear!"

"Ow! Get your hands off of me, Ryoga! Mind your own business!" whined Happosai.

Ranma, just having recovered consciousness, jogged towards a clearing not far away. "What is…going on with them?" he wondered aloud. Staring at the wrestling match was rather interesting. On the left, he saw Akane holding one part of the white underwear while she was being held by Kuno; on the other side, Ryoga was trying to yank Happosai away from the undergarment although the old man was refusing to let go. He was amazed of the durability of the clothing article.

"All this…over _panties_?"

Still, that wasn't the most surprising part of the spectacle because, within a few short seconds, the feminine lingerie emanated bright blue light. The panties were not made of a special material that absorbed ultraviolet light, nor were they glow-in-the-dark. No—the panties… They were…

And within a few seconds, a large portal opened up and swallowed the four characters, panties and all. Ranma, wearing a horrified look, ran to where Ryoga, Kuno, Happosai, and Akane had just stood. He walked about in a circle before sinking to his knees. "Hey… HEY! Where the heck did you guys go? Akane! Ryoga? Guys?"

The panties may not have had the power to join a man and woman in an eternal bond of love, but that wasn't to say that they 'didn't' have magical properties.

Female-type Ranma gritted her teeth and crossed her arms. _/This is starting to scare me… A flash of light and BAM! Nothing! …/_ She sighed and then sat on the earth, folding her legs beneath herself and determined to wait—for a while, at least. She was hoping that it was just another clever invisibility trick of Happosai's. However, this time, he wasn't feeling so confident.

* * *

**End of Chapter 1**

_Author's Note:_

_So, this may only be the first chapter, but "Mrs. TW" and I already have a lot of the story planned out. It is something that we cooked up at lunch (appropriate, huh?) at school. She was very good moral support during the writing of the first chapter. Oh, by the way ... We're only getting started. Although it would be a far nicer incentive to write moreif you guys who've read this would **review it**. Hah! _


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